The Outside

Corporation X is not managed by a cabal of dangerously psychotic Italian-American cousins, and we lowly sales clerks are not actively encouraged to post severed horses' heads to the purchasing departments of customers whose ordering patterns for four-inch aluminium flanges have tailed off dissappointingly during the quarter.  But in other respects the firm does resemble the Cosa Nostra.  The town centre sales office is home to as many bitter, timeless rivalries and passionate, mysterious loyalties as any Sicilian backstreet neighbourhood.  And, although younger workers on temporary contracts come and go, once you are offered a place on the permanent staff (the Corporate equivalent of becoming a 'made man') it is practically unheard of to leave the firm's employ of your own accord. After maybe five years of cosily permanent status, the thought of leaving the Corporation- and embarking on some alternaive life 'on the outside' starts to seem outlandish, even absurd.  You come to imagine that any inclination towards departure would be met, at best, by bursts of derisive mirth, and at worst, by an invitation to a private midnight fitting on the banks of the Manchester Ship Canal for a pair of close-fitting concrete trousers.

It was with such not-exactly-comforting thoughts in mind that I approached the desk of the 'Cappo di Tutti Cappi'- sorry, the office manager- on Wednesday morning.  After nine years as a 'Made Man' ,I had managed to suspend my disbelief about the possibility of an alternative existence for long enough not only to fill in an application form for an interesting-sounding job with a Housing Association that had been advertised in the Manchester Evening News, but to get through two gruelling interviews and, to my absolute amazement, be offered the position ahead of a half-dozen candiates I had assumed to be much better qualified.  Now I just had to break the news to my boss.  A starch-white envelope containing a hand-written letter quivered in my hand as I embarked on the opening gambit I had spent a semi-sleepless night rehearsing in my mind:

'There's no easy way to tell you this, Lorna.  I wish to give you notice of my intention to resign my post'.

My fears of an unsympathetic hearing- or of Lorna producing a gleaming handgun from her top drawer and responding to my unforgiveable betrayal with a single, cold-blooded shot to the temple- proved unfounded.  The usually inscrutable office manager looked genuinely delighted for me- saying that I had clearly been in the wrong job for several years, and this one sounded much more up my street.  The reaction of Donna, my immediate line manager, was equally supportive ('I wish I'd got out long ago myself'). 

Donna announced my news by email to the office.  Within seconds, the entire flange team had downed tools to gather around my desk in an astonished huddle- and for the last two days, half-forgotten allies from previous stints on teams around the cavernous building have drawn me to one side to hear the full juicy details of my imminent departure, and regaled me with congratulatory emails (You've escaped at last you old bastard- well done!).  More than one of them, I suspect, may be inspired to follow my example and make a break for 'the outside' themselves.

Here's the thing, though: everyone keeps telling me how brave I am being.  I don't feel brave at all.  If you want to know the truth, I feel absolutely fucking terrified of the leap into the unknown I am set to take.  Leaving The Corporation in search of a more fulfilling (if, at first, less-well-paid) career may prove to be the best move I ever made.  Or it could turn out to be a terrible, terrible mistake.  One thing is certain however- my departure has caused such a stir in this close-knit world that there is no possibility of ever going back to the life of a lowly sales clerk on the industrial flange team.  My life 'on the outside' will start at 9AM on Monday, June 18th.  Do wish me luck, everyone.

Comments

[Vicus Scurra]

Oh, alright then, good luck.
I would be cautious about taking those good wishes from your current employers at face value. Your name isn't Fredo by any chance?

[Mutha]

Of course it's brave to do what you're doing. The very fact that you're scared and still willing to jump into the unknown is a tremendously brave thing to do. Let's face it, it's what vast numbers of the working population would and SHOULD do if they only had the courage.
Go for it, man. Live dangerously and all that.
Mutha

[abby]

Eeeeeeee, you've done it! I have found that the best way to deal with fear of this type is to remind yourself that you can always go and work on an organic farm if all goes awry.

But there is no question that the best part of all is the feeling of being in between jobs -- so enjoy the next few weeks before you end up on the inside again!

[Paul]

Best thing I ever did when I jacked in my unfulfilling job for one which meant two years back studying and four years of pay cut. I wish you every success with the new job (and fewer years of pay cut than I endured). Definitely worth it.

Your new job isn't actually as part of Sam Allardyce's extensive background team is it? I always thought Kieron Dyer's flange looked in need of regular replacement.

[Jonathan]

I fear that even in Corporation X's extensive industrial catalogue there may be no flange up to the job of returning Kieron Dyer to factory condition for more than three consecutive matches. You might have more luck posting our sometime midfielder a horses' head or two to remind him of his contractual duties (and with Allardyce's famously cavalier approach to man-management, I wouldn't rule it out).

Your best wishes- and everyone's- are most gratefully received though... I'm starting to feel better already about 'The Outside'. Less than a month now...

[beth]

Oh, well done!!
I second what Mutha said.

[Tim]

You fool!!! It's horrible out there! Stick to the devil you know!!! Tell them you've changed your mind and beg for your old job back, before it's too late!!!

Only kidding. Of course. I hope it really works out well for you. And yes, I think it is pretty brave. Good man.

[Sarah B from Surrey]

Hey - not been keeping up with the Bee as much as I should. Hilarious as ever tho. Excellent news about the job, big congrats. Good to hear Frankie and mrs B seem in fine order. When are you all coming to leafy surrey to see us?