So it's all over and we can get back to our normal lives, or at least try to remember what exactly it was that they involved, and then take things from there, let's not try to run before we can walk, shall we? In the end I made a last ditch attempt to salvage some dignity from what has been a punishing World Cup campaign, logging onto the internet betting account with ten minutes to spare before kick-off to throw a last desperate virtual fiver at the first outcome that came into my head, which was 2-1 to Italy in 90 minutes. I was throwing good money after bad, of course; as we now know, the smart money was on 1-1 after extra time, the Italians to conquer their long-standing aversion to the penalty shoot-out to emerge victorious, and, as a bonus double, the French captain and talisman Zinedine Zidane to open the scoring with a cheeky penalty then get sent off for headbutting an Italian in the chest after he called his mother a whore in Spanish. I would imagine you would have got about 35000-1.
Just five minutes had elapsed since the World Cup reached that dramatic denouement, and the pitch was still awash with delirious Italians acting in what you have to say was a most unitalian manner. Left-back Grosso was parading along the touchline in a giant foam tricolour hat, while the bearded midfielder Gattuso had stripped down to his underpants (giant white Y-fronts that looked like they could have come from British Home Stores) and was dancing around the centre-circle like a demented garden gnome. Back in the BBC studio, however, the mood was altogether more sombre. A Gary Lineker-led inquest had begun, with furrowed brows all round- and a universally damning verdict on the red-carded French playmaker:
'He must be absolutely ashamed of himself in the dressing room there- the loneliest man in the world'
'A sad stain on a glorious career- what a shame it has to end like that!'
'He's let the team down, the fans down- but most importantly, he's let himself down'.
Well, I suppose they had a point. And I suppose the BBC can't exactly be seen to condone foul play, so it would have been too much to hope for one of the panellists to come up with the idea that entertained us at work this afternoon- namely that the disgraced playmaker, instead of trooping disconsolately past the gleaming trophy on his way to the dressing room, should have realised he had by now nothing to lose and snaffled the thing up off its trestle table, stuffed it up his shirt, and ran really quickly out of the stadium. I'm sure it would have taken a good twenty minutes for any of the 68000 witnesses to realise that what they had just seen had really happened- by which time the ever-elusive Zizou, taking advantage of the enviably uber-efficient German public transport system, could have been safely aboard a fast train to Marseilles, from where he could have boarded a boat and gone into hiding in his grandma's house in deepest Algeria, where of course nobody would think of looking. Now that would have been a way to end a career in style.
Where was I going with this, again? Oh yes- I don't think we should be too hard on Zizou, and would like to counter the sanctimonious bleatings of Lineker and his ilk by offering the following five-point plea in his defence:
1- You would think the World Cup until extra-time in the final had been conducted in an atmosphere of unparallelled fair play. In fact the opposite was true. Ever since Thierry Henry reacted to Puyol of Spain's slight push in the chest by throwing himself to the ground and writhing in agony holding his face for the best part of ten minutes, this tournament has offered an unappetising spectacle of pampered players diving, elbowing, and flinging themselves to the floor like tantrumming toddlers at bed-time. Any tournament where the thuggish Wayne Rooney can stamp on an opposing player's bollocks and still be held up as some kind of Corinthian role model (even if admittedly only by the Daily Mirror) has got to have plunged to a new low where sportsmanship is concerned. If we're going to damn Zidane for his actions we should at least be consistent, and damn the lot of them.
2- The Italian called his mother a whore, for God's sake. In Spanish. And then reacted to Zidane's really quite charmingly amateurish so-called headbutt (as Glasgow kisses go, this was a mere peck on the cheek, far from the declarations of undying passion to be witnessed along Sauchiehall Street at closing time) by launching himself into a treble backwards somersault and then lying immobile and wailing on the pitch until he was quite sure the officials had noticed his predicament. I wish they hadn't done, in which case Materazzo would have just had to stand up, dust himself down, and try to get on with the game as if nothing had happened. Which is, of course, what he should have done in the first place.
3- The match needed livening up just around then. I mean come on, nothing of note had happened for the preceding twenty minutes. As the spectre of penalties loomed, the French players were wandering around the pitch at walking pace, and if someone had placed a nice comfy sofa in the centre-circle the entire Italian midfield would have raced to curl up on it with a good book. This is not what you want from a World Cup final. You want passion. You want incident. You want the French captain to walk up to the nearest Italian and strike him clumsily in the chest with his head.
4 - You've got to say our man took his punishment with good grace. You know, unlike our brave boy Rooney, who is seen by 70000 people and fifty high-definition cameras kicking a prone Portuguese defender in the bollocks, then still tries to claim it was all an accident. I don't think Zizou thought for a moment he was going to escape unpunished- when the red card came he maintained his dignity, put his head down and walked. He really should have got a hold of that cup on the way past and stuck it up his shirt, but you know, you can't have everything.
5- This is Zizou we're talking about, for God's sake. The same man who single-handedly dismantled the Brazilians in the quarter-finals, at one point lobbing the ball quite calmly over the head of a fast-approaching hatchet man, collecting it as it dropped into space behind this bemused opponent, then sliding a geometrically perfect blindside through-ball into the path of an onrushing forward. And that's just the highlight of this week; the guy has been pullling moves like that for fifteen years. I think we can forgive him one moment of madness, don't you?
One moment of madness, after a decade and more of expressive virtuosity bordering on genius. Let's remember that in a footballing age increasingly dominated by identikit players lined up in rigid formations and coached by faceless timeserving functionaries to within an inch of their lives, here was a rare, ungovernable talent, capable at any moment of picking the lock of the stubbornest defense with a shimmy and a delicately-chipped killer pass into a space no-one else had seen open up. Let's remember Zizou for the good times- because we may not see his like again for a damn good while yet.
I'm so glad you've addressed this issue here in these e-page thingies. I have searched the media in vain until now to find someone NOT trying to win the Golden Sanctimony prize over what should properly be considered a heroic display of well-provoked French machismo. I was rooting for Italy, but as of that moment I am convinced that if Zidane hadn't already earned it, with that sudden bit of astounding and artful violence he surely secured a right to have a statue built of him (preferably in head-butting position) on top of the Arc de Triomphe.
I only take issue with your denigration of the actual headbutt move as 'amateurish.' I beg to differ. This was a fully committed, whole body head butt delivered with uncommon speed and precision, most probably hitting a vital point on the sternum. A 19 year old kid got hit in the same spot by a line drive in a baseball game last summer and dropped dead on the spot. If Materazzo hadn't been in the midst of emitting a follow-up stream of forceful Spanish invective, he would probably have met the same fate.
It was without question one of the finest headbutts I have ever seen, deserving of our full amazement.
Although I continued to pull for Italy throughout, Zidane has earned a special spot in my personal Shocking Heroic Moments Hall of Fame.
Posted by: John S | July 11, 2006 at 01:29 AM
You know I had largely avoided the media since the BBC panel after the game but it seems I had guessed correctly the overriding reaction would continue to be one of sanctimonious condemnation (I hope by the way you didn't manage to get to my post there before I re-read and realised I had mis-spelt that word 'sacrimonious'- clearly if you did you were too polite to point it out).
Of course the reaction was exactly the same 10 years ago when that other Gallic genius Cantona of Manchester United reacted to a fan's racist outburst (that's right, a guy in the crowd!) by administering a Jackie-Chan-esque karate kick to the head. Then, as now, the reaction of the fans was much more even-handed and irreverent...
Oh- and clearly the Zizou headbutt itself needs to be subjected to further critique here. Perhaps a hardened Glaswegian could step forward and offer an expert opinion.
Posted by: jonathan | July 11, 2006 at 01:52 AM
Hurrah, hurrah
Hurrah for Cantona
I'm still in this state of amazement over Zidane's headbutt. I mean, the fact of it coming in the final moments of a dead even World Cup Final, which to most people seems to be what is so inexcusable about it, seems to me to be what makes it so glorious.
It was brilliant.
As for the technical matters, I mean, generally speaking a headbutt is normally applied to the other fellow's face, preferably the bridge of the nose. To deliver it to the CHEST and achieve these results...it's simply outstanding. No, this was no flop job. The Italian went down good and proper.
Posted by: John S | July 11, 2006 at 02:09 AM
I'm sure ZZ will be remembered for his football above all else. What about the real world cup highlights though....
Alan Shearer saying Rooney should stick one on Ronaldo and then suddenly clamming up and looking a bit embarrased when he realised you can't say that on the BBC.
Terry Venables who single handedly set the English language back a hundred years and proved that some people get paid no matter how crap they are. When describing Podolski's missed haeder in extra time against Italy he said..' He didn't get enough thinness on the ball '.... I can not get my head around the fact that some who is paid to talk about the beautiful game and enlighten us poor plebs can say something so utterly stupid.
Posted by: EE! Our John | July 11, 2006 at 12:56 PM
I think the World Cup needed more actual assaults, just to make up for the amount of diving provoked by a player looking at another player in a funny way.
And I think ZZ deserves bonus marks for butting a 6ft plus defender who apparently is known as a hardman even by the standards of Serie A - Or Serie C1 where he might be playing next year!
But the withdrawl symptoms are terrible - roll on the Euros!
Posted by: looby_at_work | July 11, 2006 at 03:08 PM
Speaking as a newcomer to spectator sports, I have to admit I was rather taken in my the sanctimoniousness and inclined to agree with them. But having read your post, I guess you have a point. Certainly, well, I was going to say points 1 and 2, but the more I re-read it, the more I agree with 4, 5 and even 3.
Well-said that man.
Posted by: Martin Q | July 11, 2006 at 10:11 PM
I've got mixed feelings. On the one hand, yes he's been an incredible player. But he just wasn't as good as everyone said this World Cup (ineffective if not downright useless in the two group games he played in), and it's not as though this was an isolated incident - he's been red-carded many times before. In any case, no matter what his past record as a player (both good and bad), and no matter what Materazzi said, his behaviour was inexcusable.
Of course, that doesn't mean it didn't make for brilliant entertainment. You're absolutely right - it livened up an encounter that was drifting vaguely boringly towards penalties.
I also agree that the condemnation of Zidane and all the tournament's divers (hello Cristiano!) should have been matched by a similar condemnation of Rooney - the debate about whether or not his stamp was deliberate was utterly ridiculous, and regardless of Ronaldo's involvement it was about as justifiable a red card as they come.
But I can't agree that Materazzi made the most of this incident. I think he genuinely was pole-axed, such was the force of the headbutt.
On a completely unrelated note, thanks very much for the "thing", which arrived in the post yesterday! It hardly left the stereo all day. I'll get back to you with some thoughts soon.
And did you get my latest email about Another Sunny Day and the A-Z CD (sent on Wednesday or Thursday I think)?
Posted by: Ben | July 12, 2006 at 01:47 AM
eeee, well, I've been trying for a few days to feel some noble disdain for Zizou's headbutt but it's just not happening. I think you've made a fine case, wor Jonathan, and I'm right with you on 1,2,3,4 and 5. Oh, and John showed me this last night -- "A new way to solve problems" at http://youtube.com/watch?v=js0vOgjBfD8 -- it's dead funny if you haven't already seen it a million times, that is.
Posted by: abby | July 13, 2006 at 02:41 PM
Loved the 'youtube' video. Thinking about using this technique on Metro fare dodgers tomorrow.
Posted by: Nexus John | July 13, 2006 at 10:14 PM
Oh, this computer here won't let me play the youtube thing, the spoilsport.. I will have to wait till I get home...
I am greatly enjoying the Zizou comments though (especially as, for the first time in a while, we have had our full compliment of comment-box Johns stepping up to the plate...). This is turning into a heated debate to match the Wolverhampton trilogy and no mistake- only with headbutts instead of hard-hitting cross-continental correspondence. I am particularly pleased to have rescued the fledgling football supporter Martin Q (was it FC United's visit to Dresden that did it, MQ??) from the sanctimonious grip of Lineker and his ilk...
Posted by: jonathan | July 14, 2006 at 12:55 PM
Just to expand this subject academically in support of my earlier assertion about deaths from impacts to the chest, I have managed to dig up an article from the New England Journal of Medicine that I believe lends support to my characterization of Zidane's headbutt as technically "awesome."
Blunt Impact to the Chest Leading to Sudden Death from Cardiac Arrest during Sports Activities
by Barry J. Maron, M.D., Liviu C. Poliac, M.D., James A. Kaplan, M.D., and Frederick O. Mueller, Ph.D.
Excerpts:
Sudden death from cardiac arrest in a young person may occur during sports play after a blunt blow to the chest in the absence of structural cardiovascular disease or traumatic injury (cardiac concussion or commotio cordis). ...
Each victim collapsed with cardiac arrest immediately after an unexpected blow to the chest...In each instance, the impact to the chest was not judged to be extraordinary for the sport involved and did not appear to have sufficient force to cause death. Twelve victims collapsed virtually instantaneously on impact, whereas 13 remained conscious and physically active for a brief time before cardiac arrest. Cardiopulmonary resuscitation was administered within about three minutes to 19 victims, but normal cardiac rhythm could be restored in only 2 (both incurred irreversible brain damage and died shortly thereafter)...
We speculate that most sudden deaths related to impact to the chest (not associated with traumatic injury) are due to ventricular dysrhythmia induced by an abrupt, blunt precordial blow, presumably delivered at an electrically vulnerable phase of ventricular excitability.
I am not making this up: http://content.nejm.org/cgi/content/abstract/333/6/337
So it appears Materazzi is not necessarily out of the woods yet. He might suddenly collapse to the ground clutching his chest, especially if they get around to indicting him formally on some charge related to unsuitable insults relating to people's mommies.
Posted by: John S | July 16, 2006 at 02:52 PM
Dresden? Surely some mistake. Or have FCU been playing all over Saxony?
As for what did it for me, well over the last couple of months a lot of people round here have been getting very excited about a large number of football matches which were played in a short space of time, some of them even in the local stadium and the rest televised wherever you looked... It seemed to involve lots of international people, mostly in orange at one point, and it was hard not to get intoxicated by the excitement.
Whereas when FCU played... I only found out about it five days after the event. Sorry.
Posted by: Martin Q | July 22, 2006 at 12:50 AM
Where did I get Dresden from? I meant Leipzig, of course! Clearly that large amount of televised football has done nothing for my shameful grasp of German geography. As penance for my oversight, I will now go and study the map on my When Saturday Comes wallchart for a while, until I have finally rid myself of the ridiculous and untenable notion that Leipzig is in Poland.
Posted by: jonathan | July 24, 2006 at 07:34 AM
Ridiculous. Untenable. And yet so very very normal. Why does everyone think this? Perhaps they're thinking of Danzig (Gdansk). Keep up the penance, I'm sure it will do you good in the long run.
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