A short post about Twiglets which suddenly turns alarmingy into a long one about the Dogme film 'Italian For Beginners', before getting a grip of itself and ending up back with the Twiglets again.

'Right then, young man, enough is enough.  It's all very well taking an extended Christmas break from all things real-life, but sooner or later you are going to have to wean yourself off a diet made up entirely of sherry and twiglets and face up to your regular responsibilities.  I mean there's your work for a start.  And do you think those old indiepop singles are going to walk out of the house of their own accord to have their photographs taken against interesting post-modern urban backdrops for the amusement of your literally tens of devoted readers?  Well they're not, young man, and it's about time you realised it!  Now then, you can take those 'comedy' football socks off, get a pair of trousers on, and get down to business, young man.  And while I'm on the subject, you can-'

Oh.  Sorry, I was just, er, having a quick word with myself there.  No that's quite all right, I was nearly finished.  Now then, where were we?  Oh yes, Christmas.  It seems rather a long time ago now, doesn't it?  I mean, I'm not about to do anything foolish like look at a calendar or anything, but judging from the depressingly small amounts of Harvey's Irish Cream (well OK, Tescos Irish Cream), Martini and sherry over there, I would say our once-yearly flirtation with the middle-class idea of having a drinks cabinet, or at least a drinks area of the kitchen work surface just beside the kettle, is all but over, and it must be at least January 15th, and possibly even later.  So it really is about time to get back into the swing of things.   

But I can't really tell you about Christmas, because it's old news, and anyway we are trying to move on here at Crinklybee Towers and 'hit the ground running' just like Tony Blairs youthful first 1997 cabinet.  New Crinklybee, new Britain.  We are aiming for a major new policy initiative every week until the clocks go back, and a thorough overhaul of the NHS by June- so we really haven't got time to stand around here reminiscing about all our lovely presents, have we?  Well OK, maybe just my favourite one- well, my third favourite, obviously, after the 'comedy' football socks, and, er, the one you got me.  So- I will tell you about the Dogme film 'Italian For Beginners', which Charlotte (who is recognised as the world's foremost expert in giving films to me as Christmas presents) got me on DVD.

'Italian For Beginners', then.  It's a bit of an uninspiring title, isn't it?  I feared we might be in for a plodding and rather middle-class ensemble piece about prim Danish schoolteachers struggling with the subjunctive tense in their spare time- but it turned out to be nothing of the sort.  The occasional classroom scenes were just the glue that held together a really rather moving story, set with utter authenticity in a suburban sports complex, about the gradually interlocking relationships that develop between a disparate half-dozen who, for different reasons, end up in the same community college classroom. 

The male characters include a one-time local football star with a dangerous temper and an eye for the ladies, his much more mild-mannered, long-suffering and lovelorn best friend and hotel work colleague, and a diffident new parish pastor struggling to come to terms with a bereavement- while the female cast is headed by two fragile characters struggling to balance work life against the demands of ageing, dependent parents given to cruel, rage-filled outbursts.  Between them this disparate set of vulnerable souls serve up a story which manages to fit into its 107 minutes two love affairs, three deaths, a tearful family reunion and a running joke about dropped trays of rum truffles. 

But this is a Dogme project, remember- so Italian For Beginners never becomes breathless, breakneck and eager-to-please, like, say, Four Weddings And A Funeral.  Instead the complex story is carried along by the dialogue, which is consistently inspired.  The history, hopes, fears, and secret longings of the characters are conveyed to us subtly, through passages of unhurried, seemingly offhand, but ultimately revealing conversation.  The lightness of touch brings to mind the guileless charm of Gregory's Girl and, at times (such as when the new pastor informs his soon-to-be paramour the clumsy baker of the reason for the previous pastor's dismissal: 'there was a disagreement over the accentuation of a hymn, and- well, the organist ended up being thrown over the balcony'), the surreal sensibility of Father Ted.  If you like either of those you will love Italian For Beginners.  And if you have a weakness for rum truffles and a curiosity to find out how Danish people pronounce the name of the ex-United goalie Peter Schmeichel, then you will love it even more.  I am giving it a round four out of five. 

Right then.  I think I have got the film reviewing out of my system now.  Tomorrow, a review of the 'comedy' football socks, and on Thursday a guest post from young Frankie, aged twenty-two-and-a-half months, telling us why a rusty fire engine with lethal-looking sharp metal edges bought as an afterthought for £2.50 down the charity shop on Stockport Road will always beat hands down a tasteful, wooden one designed with safety in mind by a team of trained Scandinavian educationalists and bought from the Early Learning Centre for £15.99.  There will also be more of the usual nonsense- quite possibly featuring Housemartins singles pictured at jaunty angles to passing 192 buses- and also, the long-awaited expose they tried to ban- revealing how the ministry of Agriculture, in league with the giant supermarket chains, have been leading us a merry dance all along, and that the cod and the haddock are really exactly the same fish.  That's right- I said  one and the same fish, my good friends. 

All this very soon- and certainly sooner than a month's time- we'll be having none of that kind of laxity in this brave new world of 2006, thank you very much.  Oh, it is good to be back all right, even if the Martini supplies are dwindling and the Twiglets are just a distant memory.  Oh yes.

Comments

[Ben]

Good to have you back Jonathan.

Re Frankie's present preferences - at least you should be thankful he didn't prefer the box the ELC fire engine came in rather than the fire engine itself. Or did he?

[jonathan]

Oh, the packaging is always infinitely more interesting than the contents, Ben- that's a given. In fact if your average toddler notices the contents at all you can count yourself lucky, and congratulate yourself on money well-spent.

On a similar note tiny little things are more worthy of notice than great big massive shiny ones. Up at his grandma's in Newcastle Frankie was absolutely fascinated by a box of battered old matchbox cars that had once belonged to me. He would spend hours just lining them up, opening and closing the tiny doors, or stuffing even tinier scraps of paper in through the windows. It seems to be the intricacy of such objects that is so fascinating to the developing infant mind.

[Simon]

My boy Ben, well on his way to being a three year old, has shunned his miriad presents for a fridge magnet happened upon in a christmas cracker. it's not even a nice fridge magnet to my untrained eye, just a blue plastic circle. I've clearly a lot to learn.

[abby]

Ah, I'm glad to see you back! I'd go right to our local video store and ask to rent this Italian for Beginners business but unfortunately the place is run by an ex-military bald Puerto Rican with a photographic memory, and he might not take kindly to that bit about the organist.

[abby]

Ah, I'm glad to see you back! I'd go right to our local video store and ask to rent this Italian for Beginners business but unfortunately the place is run by an ex-military bald Puerto Rican with a photographic memory, and he might not take kindly to that bit about the organist.

[looby]

Hey, it's the return of the Bee! I was just thinking they have very long holidays in Stockport :)

I saw that film a few years ago and really liked it. It's so un-Hollywoody. Thanks for reminding me about it. I'd forgotten I'd even seen it (ooer, old age!)

I liked the bit about the drinks cabinet. Part of me aspires to making a dramatic yet unsderstated flourish when people come round, as I open the fake teak cabinet to reveal a bottle of every known drink in the world, but the better part of me knows that we'd drink all the decent stuff, then there'd be several episodes of sitting up late at night in front of a computer drinking some throat-scraping Slovenian Cherry Syrup, which would just be wrong.

[Isabelle Baker]

That's what we all needed - a good 'talking to'. Now we can all dust ourselves down and stride into the New Year with confidence and enthusiasm....STOP LAUGHING !!!!
Maybe I'll just see if I can get my hands on that Italian film thingy first.
Mam

[Nexus John]

As a lifelong angler and a former employee of the Ministry of Agriculture, Fisheries and Food,(now known as Defra) I am interested in your veiled suggestion that there is no difference between Haddock(Mellanogramus Aeglefinus) and Cod(Gadus Morhua).
Both are pelagic members of the Gadidae, but that is where the resemblance ends.
Just ask Harry Ramsden why he prefers Mellanogramus Aeglefinus.

[Clare]

Haha, I particularly like the title for this post.

I hear a rumour you may be attending the Mcr blogmeet - is this true? Hope so!

[jonathan]

Aye, I think the title reflects the fact that I started writing without really having the faintest idea what I was going to write about (I was just thinking, come on now Jonathan write something for God's sake). Italian for Beginners just happened along half-way through and seemed like entertaining enough company for a few paragraphs...

As for the blogmeet- yes the rumours are true! In fact have just emailed you... and will be sure to advertise the event over here as well in due course!

[Ben]

A blogmeet, eh? You've been bitten by the bug of meeting bloggers in the flesh, haven't you, Jonathan? ;) Hope it goes well.

[Martin Q]

He certainly has. And very good it has been for all concerned. Nice to meet you last week, Jonathan! And I am impressed that you appear to have acted on my suggestion already... Wow, I am so influential. *falls over under weight of suddenly inflated head*