They say the ability to multi-task is vital in today's busy workplace, and I must say that I have been impressed with the effortless way Sven Goran Eriksson has fitted in managing the England football team in between carrying on sordid affairs with members of the FA backroom staff and Swedish B-list celebrity gameshow guests. But not that impressed. I think Sven should try managing my football team.
I say football team, but really it is five-a-side game between friends which takes place every Tuesday night at a local sports centre. My job is to make sure we have exactly 10 players every week. You might think this is easy, and in fact some weeks it is- I just send an email to the 10 regular players and they all write back to say they can play. But this hardly ever happens. More usuallly there are one or two injured or otherwise unavailable (apparently there are people with more important or unavoidable things to do on a Tuesday night than put on a replica football shirt and pretend to be Zinedine Zidane for an hour, although I find this hard to believe), so you have to start calling up the reserves, who (again unbelievably) seem in some cases to have lives and do not spend Monday and Tuesday sitting by their phones desperately awaiting the call-up. It is on weeks like this that arranging Tuesday football becomes a full-time job- which of course is a bit tricky if you already have a full-time job, albeit one which seems to allow you ample time to write about your day-to-day life on the internet for the entertainment of people like yourselves.
Take this week for example. It was looking like one of the easy weeks. There were nine players confirmed overnight, and I came in this morning to find that star midfielder Mike had enrolled a mate of his called Darren (a tricky winger with a loping stride reminiscent of Chris Waddle in his pomp) into the fold. So we had ten and I could relax. Except there was another email in my inbox, and it was from arch goalpoacher Damo, advising that he had left his kit at home. This email was quickly followed by another, from languid defensive lynchpin Gareth (once of Cheadle Town reserves, which makes him in our rather limited company look like Franz Beckenbauer), saying he had suddenly remembered he was injured.
Pausing only to ask myself bitterly whether Sven ever has these problems, I launched into a round of frantic, cajoling 'phone calls, at the end of which I had secured the services of precisely one more player - a veteran called Matt who works with midfield dynamo Harry and who doesn't get called up that often on account of his disgraceful habit of turning up in a Manchester United shirt. But beggars can't be choosers, so Matt was in, making nine players. The search for a tenth proved fruitless, so I despatched that forgetful lad Damo back to Huddersfield for his contact lenses. Well that will teach him, I thought, adopting the stern demeanour of a disciplanarian 1970s manager of the Don Revie mould. Maybe I will fine Damo two weeks wages for good measure.
So now we have 10 players again, or at least 10 more-or-less able-bodied people saying they will turn up. So while Sven hides away in his luxury Chelsea pad from the tabloid reporters camping on his doorstep, I can get on with the serious business of looking forward to tonight's game. It has been another fraught morning in the life of this player-manager-office-worker. But you know what- when I pull on my Real Betis replica shirt and run out onto the miniature pitch at 8:30, I will know it has all been worthwhile. Sven can keep his £4 million per year- I'll keep my job, thanks very much all the same.
I've been in your situation myself. The most impressive time for someone to pull out is about 10 minutes before kick-off, that tends to make it hard to find a suitably unbusy person.
The other great thing about subs is that once they have stood in one week, they want to play every week!!!
Posted by: Richard | August 03, 2004 at 03:44 PM
I think the best one I ever had was when a bloke's girlfriend rang 20 minutes before kick-off to say 'Adrian can't play this week because unfortunately he's fallen asleep'. I was rendered so speechless I think I just said 'oh, OK!'
Posted by: jonathan | August 03, 2004 at 04:57 PM