In a surprise development I have taken to starting my days by pretending to be an Italian, and not just any Italian, but one who is a professional racing cyclist taking part in a particularly leisurely stage of the Giro d'Italia. It is a life-affirming experience which I would recommend to you all. The following is my cut-out-and-keep 7-step guide to the way it is done.
You are going to need:
a bicycle;
some replica cycle-race kit purchased over the internet, or failing that a very colourfully designed T-shirt, three sizes too small and with European writing on;
a branch of caffe Nero;
a working knowedge of any Mediterranean language.
Step one
Put on your (real or pretend) cycle-racing kit and get on your bike. If you have not got on a bike since 1977 when you were 10, do not worry. It is true what they say, you never forget how to ride a bike, even if you might do so in a slightly wobbly fashion at first. And if you feel slightly foolish wobbling about up there, put this thought out of your head also. The time for worrying about looking foolish and wobbly was 10 minutes ago, when you put on a very colourfully designed T-shirt 3 sizes too small for you, and walked out into the street. There is nothing you can do about that now.
Step two
Cycle towards your workplace. Hopefully the route does not take in any motorways. If it does, you will need to find a scenic route through back roads, parks, people's gardens, and other parts of the urban landscape not populated by fast-moving articulated lorries. If this necessity changes your 2 mile commute from the suburbs into a circuitous and gruelling four-hour stage, taking in three minor peaks, a picturesque spa-town, and a time-trial, simply grit your teeth and keep pedalling. They do not call it the Giro d'Italia for nothing, you know.
Step three
Just before you get to your workplace, stop at a nearby cafe. A Caffe Nero is ideal, but a Starbucks or Costa Coffee will serve almost as well. If however, you work in an out-of-town industrial estate and the only eating establishment is a parked van from which a large bloke called Joe sells greasy bacon butties and big mugs of tea, then you are going to have to use your imagination a little during...
Step four
This is the leisurely part of the Giro d'Italia. Avail yourself of the most European-style items the establishment has to offer. In Caffe Nero, this may be a medium Caffe Latte with extra chocolate, an almond croissant, a very small biscuit and a glass of chilled water. If you are at Joe's trailer just off the A534, you can give your breakfast that mediterranean feel by smoking a Gauloise cigarette while waiting for your slab of bacon to be fried to within an inch of its life.
Step 5
Using the working knowledge of any Mediterranean language that you prepared earlier (perhaps by taking Spanish 'A' level sometime in the late 1980s) take the 'Rebublicca' from the rack of newspapers thoughtfully provided by the cafe proprietors, and begin to peruse the comment section while nodding earnestly for the benefit of any impressed onlookers. Nod especially earnestly at any phrases you do not quite understand, owing to your actual command of the Italian language stretching only to the word 'catenaccio' and a selection of provocotive hand-gestures taken from The Sopranos. Smoke another gauloise cigarette.
Step 6
Get back on your bike and cycle the short distance to work. If you think you can get away with doing your job wearing a pair of lycra shorts and a colourful t-shirt three sizes too small, proceed directly to your desk. Otherwise, lock yourself in the disabled toilets and change into something more in keepign with the prevailing 'smart-casual' dresscode.
Step 7
Take to your desk. Reminding yourself that you are unfortunately not a professional cyclist but a worker in a call-centre, and pausing only to light up a final Gauloise, start your working day.
And there you have it. English office-worker to chic, sorty European urbanite (and back again) in seven easy stages, and all before 9:15AM. I heartily recommend that you give it a go:at the very least it will keep you fit, as long as you take it easy on the almond croissants. So search out those tiny t-shirts and climb aboard your bicycle- you have nothing to lose, except perhaps your dignity.
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