channel hopping

A current TV trailer (I think it is for a show aimed at the parents of troublesome two-year-olds) shows a harassed father struggling to soothe his toddler son off to sleep.  It is the middle of the night, and the child is standing upright in his cot, waving aloft a teddy bear.    'Time for beddie-byes, baby' intones the pyjama-clad parent. Time to sleep. There's a good boy!'.    But the toddler is having none of it.  To show us why, the trailer cuts to the same scene, but seen through the baby's eyes, as he looks up at the exhausted dad.  Now the grown-up voice is simply saying: 

'Blah blah blah beddie-byes.  Blah blah blah sleep.  Blah blah blah blah blah good boy!'.

Young Frank is not quite a toddler yet, but he is still capable of rendering us quite unspeakably tired- to the extent that any task involving grown-up levels of mental agility becomes next to impossible.  This week on Newsnight, Jeremy Vine was grilling a trio of eminent Northern Irish politicians over the precise nature of the link between Sinn Fein and the IRA.  At least that's what we think was going on.  What we actually heard him say was:

'blah blah blah blah blah membership of the IRA army council since 1974.  Blah blah blah grave accusation indeed in these troubled times'. 

To which the Gerry Donnelly, veteran SDLP Member of Parliament for Armagh South, replied:

'blah blah blah blah blah faltering peace process.  Blah blah blah blah blah right to self-determination of the people of the island of Ireland.  Blah blah blah blah blah!'.

In addition to the rampages of baby-related exhaustion, our efforts to keep abreast of current affairs are further hindered by the fascination young Frankie has developed for the television remote control.  You will be watching a fascinating expose of Third World healthcare on Channel 4 when the urbane countenance of  Jon Snow, reporting from a deshevilled township outside of Johannesburg, will be suddenly replaced by the besuited figure of Ronnie O'Sullivan, who will sink a long red and stride purposefully around the table to weigh up a yellow into the baulk pocket.  Just when you are trying to work out what this has to do with the AIDS crisis in South Africa, the scene will change again, to a flickering image of a four-year-old episode of Brookside, dubbed into Welsh. 

Now I've heard of channel-hopping, but this is ridiculous- so last weekend I went down to Longsight Market and bought the baby a remote control of his own, without any batteries in.  Now everyone is a winner.  Frank still gets to press the interesting buttons with the numbers on, and I can once again tune into Channel Four News and hope to see a hard-hitting report through to the end.  As long as Charlotte doesn't develop a sudden interest in snooker (and this has to be regarded as an outside possibility at best), everyone will be happy.

Happy, but exhausted.  So much so, that the election campaign is going rather above our heads.  Last night we were watching the party leaders being questioned by a studio audience on BBC1: 

'Blah blah blah blah blah immigration rampant', alleged Michael Howard, sternly.  'Blah blah blah liar.  Blah blah blah broken promises'.

To which Tony Blair  countered strongly: 

'Blah blah blah hard-working families.  'Blah blah blah schools and hospitals.  Blah blah stain on my integrity that will not be tolerated.  Blah blah blah blah blah!'.

It all made about as much sense as an episode of the Sweeney translated into Welsh- and all in all, it seems we are too frazzled to carry out our democratic duty come May 5th.  So we are pursuing the only sensible option. Clearly Frankie is the only alert person in the house- so we are going to allow him to guide us in our voting intentions.  When the party leaders were recently interviewed in turn on Breakfast ITV, we gave the baby the remote control, and let him loose.    Here is a summary of his reactions so far, presented for the elucidation of any floating voters among you:

Michael Howard (Conservative):  crawled up to the screen and poked him repeatedly in the eye while howling noisily.

Charles Kennedy (Liberal Democrat): crawled up to the screen and gently stroked his cheek, then fell face-first on the floor.

Tony Blair (Labour): after initial signs of interest, crawled rapidly out of the room and into the kitchen.  Opened washing machine door and put remote contol inside.  Burst inconsolably into tears.

Which I think we can take as a telling critique of the Blairite shift to the right, as well as a ringing endorsement of the alternative offered by the third party.  Perhaps it is Mr Kennedy's strong support for student grants which has tipped the balance, or it may just be his lovely orange head of hair.  I don't know- I'm too tired to work it out.   This politics is all very difficult, and you know, sometimes a man just wants to settle down in front of something more comforting, like an episode of Emmerdale Farm, dubbed into an ancient and rapidly dissappearing Celtic language. I think there is one on channel 53 about now.   Now where the hell is that remote control?

Comments

[john]

Well, if it makes you feel any better, that's how the news always seems to me and I don't even have any babies. It's blah blah blah blah Iraqi insurgents this and blah blah blah blah Michael Jackson's ex-wife that. I think they may actually use the words "blah blah blah blah blah" here in the United States, as a test at first, and then when they realized nobody had cottoned on, went with it on a regular basis. It's easier for the news spokesmodels to say, and less for them to remember. Nobody minds and everyone feels they've satisfied their sense of civic duty. When election time comes you can vote for whomever you like, candidate blah or candidate blah blah and the voting machine people just use their own calculus anyway and again, everyone is satisfied, civic duty-wise. It's quite a marvelous system just so long as everyone stays very tired.

[looby]

I find that the worst for blah blah blah blah blah are weather forecasts. I can't remember or even understand a word of what they are saying. I wish they'd just say "if you live in the northwest, it'll rain", or someting simple like that.

[Abby]

After reading this fascinating new piece of crinklybee, I'm actually quite disappointed to see that the English seem to have moved alarmingly far away from talking about the 'sides' of their television and have adopted the altogether more futuristic and un-insular idea of the "channel."

I have always been able to fill crowds of Americans with awe and disbelief by talking about the sides of our British televisions and I must say that it has something to do with Blair's move to the right that you have channels at all. I still remember when higher education was free, not to mention the dentist. And the doctor used to come to your house. Still, that's what ten years as an expatriate gets you. I am glad to hear that Frankie knows corruption when he sees it!